📰 Stephen Colbert Calls Pete Hegseth a “Five-Star Douche” – Late-Night Hosts Unite in Satirical Fury

New York, October 1, 2025 — America’s late-night talk shows were ablaze this week after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth delivered a controversial speech at Quantico, Virginia. In a mandatory meeting with top generals, Hegseth denounced “fat troops,” vowed to end “climate change worship,” and railed against what he called “gender delusions” in the military.

His remarks quickly became comedic gold for late-night hosts — and a lightning rod for political commentary.

🎙️ Colbert: “A Five-Star General of Arrogance”

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert wasted no time tearing into Hegseth’s rhetoric, dubbing him a “five-star douche” — “a general of arrogance and self-importance.”

“Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear. He is cool!” Colbert mocked after Hegseth declared that America was “done with that shit.”

Colbert continued, “He says he wants the generals to ‘speak plainly’ and ‘point out the obvious.’ Fine, here’s something obvious: you suck monkey butt.”

🎭 Jimmy Kimmel: “The Biggest Intervention in History”

Over on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host joked that “all of America’s top military leaders were pulled off the frontlines just to hear Pete Hegseth give a fitness lecture.”

“Usually when a large group of people gather in one room for Pete Hegseth,” Kimmel quipped, “it’s an intervention, not a strategy meeting.”

He went on to draw parallels between Hegseth and his longtime ally Donald Trump: “I love that Trump’s lecturing these guys about fitness — if that isn’t the fondue pot calling the kettle fat, I don’t know what is.”

🕶️ The Daily Show: “One Meeting, Two Whiskeys, and Too Much Ego”

On The Daily Show, Ronny Chieng took a more laid-back jab:
“We all do weird stuff when we’re drunk. Some of us text our exes, others call every U.S. general to Quantico to tell them they’re fat.”

Chieng joked that Hegseth could’ve just commented on their Instagram posts instead:
“Like, ‘Congrats, General, when are you due?’”

He concluded, “This guy leaks secret war plans — but when it comes to body shaming, he’s like, ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces are.’”

🕰️ Seth Meyers: “From Gaza to Quantico”

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers on Late Night tied the controversy to Trump’s recent meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
“Trump says he’s confident he can bring peace to Gaza quickly,” Meyers laughed. “Dude, you said that nine months ago — ‘quickly’ isn’t in the cards anymore. That’s like James Cameron saying ‘Avatar 4 is coming soon.’”

He added, “It’s the same kind of delusion — the guy who thinks he can end the Gaza war in 24 hours is the same guy who thinks he can reform the entire military with one speech at Quantico.”

⚡ Fallout and Divisions

Hegseth’s speech has sparked fierce debate within both political and military circles over the line between “strong leadership” and “populist militarism.”
Retired generals and veterans’ organizations criticized his comments as “damaging to the professional image of the Pentagon.”

Still, to many of his supporters, Hegseth remains a man “willing to speak the hard truths.”
For the entertainment world, at least, he’s provided a week’s worth of top-tier material.

✍️ The Bigger Picture

This episode highlights how deeply American political culture has merged with entertainment — where every speech can become both a viral punchline and a mirror reflecting national tension.

While Pete Hegseth insists he’s “restoring the warrior spirit” to the military, Colbert and his peers prove a different truth:

“No weapon cuts deeper than satire backed by reason.”