The Bold and Bizarre Tale of King Henry VIII’s Armor

Picture this: It’s the 16th century, and King Henry VIII, larger than life in more ways than one, is getting suited up for battle. But this isn’t just any suit of armor. No, this particular ensemble comes with an unexpected and rather *bold* design choice one that has gone down in history for all the wrong reasons. Yes, we’re talking about King Henry’s codpiece, a piece of armor that truly steals the show and leaves us all wondering: Was this the original “BDE” moment?

The Codpiece: More Than Just Protection?

Armor was, of course, designed to protect the body from swords, arrows, and other medieval dangers. But when it came to the area around King Henry’s codpiece, protection seems to have been the least of his concerns. In fact, his codpiece part of his 1540 suit of armor was so exaggerated, so comically large, that one has to wonder if Henry was trying to distract his enemies or simply make a statement.

Whether it was about flaunting power, fertility, or something else entirely, this codpiece weighed in at a hefty 2.5 pounds. Imagine parading around with that in full view because Henry certainly did. His codpiece was so prominent that it became a signature feature of his armor, showing up in portraits and self-portraits alike, as though he was trying to leave behind a medieval thirst trap for future generations.

The Medieval Thirst Trap

Speaking of thirst traps, King Henry didn’t just wear this larger-than-life codpiece to impress his enemies on the battlefield he seemed to be equally concerned with how it would look in the eyes of the ladies. The exaggerated design quickly became a talking point among courtiers and admirers. Some women were even known to stick their pins into the velvet lining of his codpiece as a way to lay claim, as if marking their territory in hopes of becoming his next queen or the mother of a future heir.

Historians who’ve analyzed this piece of armor have described it as looking like a “permanent erection,” and noted that it was so large it could have doubled as a pocket. Henry wasn’t exactly known for subtlety, but this took things to a whole new level.

Did It Work for King Henry?

So, did this grand display of bravado work in his favor? Well, King Henry VIII did end up with six wives, so the codpiece may have played its part in catching attention. However, despite the size of his armor, Henry’s real struggles lay in his quest to produce a lasting legacy. Out of all his children, only three were declared legitimate, and even his much-desired male heir, Edward VI, died young, leaving the Tudor line with no male successor.

Despite his best efforts both in love and in warfare King Henry’s grand codpiece couldn’t help him escape the harsh realities of 16th-century life. His daughters, Mary I and Elizabeth I, each ruled in their own right, but his personal legacy remains as complicated and dramatic as his infamous armor.

See It for Yourself

If you’re ever in London, you can see King Henry VIII’s full suit of armor at the Tower of London, where his codpiece still hangs in all its over-the-top glory. Though many may remember him for his tumultuous marriages, his ruthless politics, or his establishment of the Church of England, this suit of armor cements Henry as the king who really, really wanted to make sure people noticed his…long sword.

King Henry VIII may be gone, but his codpiece continues to captivate and amuse, leaving behind a historical legacy unlike any other.